Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Friday, 17 February 2012
My Take: Three Musketeers Secrets: Constance's Mission
Sometimes I just wanna flake out and not *think*.
What's that you say? I never think?
Well you laugh now, but you'll be crying once you experience "Three Musketeers Secrets: Constance's Mission".
It's a derpy little 'hidden object' casual time killer for when you have housework, homework, exercise, or other important tasks you wish to avoid doing.
Why did I pick it? I was reaching complete Skyrim saturation, and needed a break from the ravages of endless questing. Also, I like Three Musketeers stuff, and it was flaunting a sassy rogue:
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| Source |
Obviously English is not the first language of the game, because the subtitles leave much to be desired. Forget the intended puzzles - try and solve the mystery of what the game is actually trying to say!
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| This woman sports the only expression more enigmatic and indecipherable than the Mona Lisa. |
This game has some unique additions to the normal 'hidden object' genre: It has fully animated cut scenes with ACTION!! and ADVENTURE!!, interesting* story without being burdensome, and relevant mini games.
(*Well... 'interesting' compared, to... say, watching paint dry.)
The game suffers (or rather the player does) because the actual 'hidden object' part of the game is kinda crap. I've seen it done much MUCH better in other titles. Also, the menu screen theme music for this game is truly awful. It's totally off key. I listened to it for like 5 minutes because I'm a crazy masochist who enjoys pain and suffering. I wish I could find it and play it for you over and over so you could share in the madness.
I'm big enough to admit that I play these "casual games", albeit infrequently, and I've found most of them endearing because of their little idiosyncrasies, their amusing flaws, and most notably the obvious personal involvement of the game designers and creators reflected in the work.
These are also all the reasons I enjoy trying out indy games as well.
So while I appear to chastise games and point out their imperfections, to me it's like talking about a crazy and irritating friend and all the stupid stuff he does - but it's all good, because he's fun and life wouldn't be the same without him.
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| When I drink wine I can get pretty 'demolished' too. |
Micheal Jackson! Why you sneakin' round my palace?
Skyrim: Rant of the Bosmer
Dear Journal;
Well, I FINALLY found my bum of a husband. I was starting to wonder if he didn't like Wood Elves in general, or me in particular. Or perhaps he'd died.
But apparently he just 'got lost'; I found him moping around at the Temple of Mara in Riften. (City of Vice!)
He was pretending to not know why I was mad, which made me madder, so I firmly sent him directly to our house in Whiterun to get cookin'. No time to waste!
I don't know why these people are called 'spouses', when obviously they're just indentured servants. House slaves, really. They are restricted to the property, you confiscate their money, they cook and clean for you, and they can't leave unless under your supervision.
But that's the problem with finding good help - it ain't easy.
I frankly haven't got time for all this babysitting! Esbern is on my back to "save the world". Man he's OLD. I feel like I better hurry and save it before he has a heart attack.
And Delphine keeps giving me attitude. Look, lady, *I* give the attitude around here, and if you don't like it I will Fus Ro Dah you off a cliff, capiche? Furthermore, I didn't ask you and Old Man Time here to follow me around on quests. You go do your own thing. I got this.
I was given a ring only to find out it's somehow magically FUSED TO MY DAMN FINGER and I cannot get it off and oh by the way it turns me into a hideous beast whenever it whims. That's been inconvenient, to say the least.
Dragons are attacking me in groups now. >.< Just ONE dragon at a time isn't 'cool' these days I guess.
And to top it all off, multiple Daedric Princes are breathing down my neck to run their errands for them. Aren't they supposed to be all powerful? Am I missing something here? Why do they need me to do stuff for them again?
One of them actually has sent a DOG to accompany me on various missions. Is he trying to torture me? Doesn't he know I have a shaky history with canines? Or perhaps he does know. They're all pretty much jerks.
Also, I think I'm seeing things.
I think I need more sleep. OH NO SORRY CAN'T I'm a hideous werewolf who doesn't nap!
****
On the upside, I was able to catch a little Shakespeare In The Park:
Well, I FINALLY found my bum of a husband. I was starting to wonder if he didn't like Wood Elves in general, or me in particular. Or perhaps he'd died.
But apparently he just 'got lost'; I found him moping around at the Temple of Mara in Riften. (City of Vice!)
He was pretending to not know why I was mad, which made me madder, so I firmly sent him directly to our house in Whiterun to get cookin'. No time to waste!
I don't know why these people are called 'spouses', when obviously they're just indentured servants. House slaves, really. They are restricted to the property, you confiscate their money, they cook and clean for you, and they can't leave unless under your supervision.
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| Hop to it! And wipe that look off your face. YOU'RE MINE NOW. |
But that's the problem with finding good help - it ain't easy.
I frankly haven't got time for all this babysitting! Esbern is on my back to "save the world". Man he's OLD. I feel like I better hurry and save it before he has a heart attack.
And Delphine keeps giving me attitude. Look, lady, *I* give the attitude around here, and if you don't like it I will Fus Ro Dah you off a cliff, capiche? Furthermore, I didn't ask you and Old Man Time here to follow me around on quests. You go do your own thing. I got this.
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| Perhaps I can sneak away while they're not looking... |
I was given a ring only to find out it's somehow magically FUSED TO MY DAMN FINGER and I cannot get it off and oh by the way it turns me into a hideous beast whenever it whims. That's been inconvenient, to say the least.
Dragons are attacking me in groups now. >.< Just ONE dragon at a time isn't 'cool' these days I guess.
And to top it all off, multiple Daedric Princes are breathing down my neck to run their errands for them. Aren't they supposed to be all powerful? Am I missing something here? Why do they need me to do stuff for them again?
One of them actually has sent a DOG to accompany me on various missions. Is he trying to torture me? Doesn't he know I have a shaky history with canines? Or perhaps he does know. They're all pretty much jerks.
Also, I think I'm seeing things.
I think I need more sleep. OH NO SORRY CAN'T I'm a hideous werewolf who doesn't nap!
****
On the upside, I was able to catch a little Shakespeare In The Park:
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| OOoh I love this scene from MacBeth! |
Friday, 10 February 2012
Skyrim: Lovin' and Leavin'
I'm well into my 153 hour of Skyrim, and am finding, like a child teetering on the precipice of adulthood, that things aren't as rosy in the world as I'd imagined.
The carefree days of whimsical bardic singing, idle wildflower picking and cozy home decorating are slipping away, and my Wood Elf's golden eyes have become a jaundiced, jaded yellow. The yellow of concern. The yellow of disappointment.
The yellow of depression.
I think it started in Riften. These things always start in Riften.
My Wood Elf had seen a darkness that she'd never experienced in her green and native land of Valenwood.
The stain of Riften is a hard one to wash away and so, to forget, she threw herself into a myriad of quests, hoping that with each fetch she would be sent farther afield, into dangerous territory. At some point, she realized that she was so dismayed by the world and all its suffering, that she was secretly and desperately hoping for that one quest that would end it all. A quest so suicidally dangerous that she wouldn't have to think about murders in Riften, or public executions in Solitude, or dead children in Morthal.
My Wood Elf, sick at heart, did the one thing that, single, unhappy women always do in these situations; She got a puppy.
She got a dog and disgusted all her friends with nauseating baby talk and endless pics of the creature on Facebook.
Happiness, when found, is fleeting in Skyrim.
To be honest, Charlie had been pushing his luck the entire time he'd been around (which amounted to approximately 25 minutes). If Charlie hadn't been killed by that bandit, I was going to have to resort to putting him in more drastic and life-threatening situations.
Sorry Wood Elf, the mutt had to go.
The mechanics and AI of the dogs aren't the best, to my mind.
Rather than finding them good companionship, I was constantly bothered by the noisy creature barking, chuffing and whining everywhere we went. When I was viewing rich vistas atop deliriously high cliffs, not only would Charlie not STFU, but in his attempts to be 'near' me, he kept bumping me and my horse nearly off the mountain!!!
Most frustrating (and scary).
My Wood Elf, however, was traumatized by Charlie's bloody demise, and took some time to get over the loss. "RIP Charlie my little puddin' pop."
I insisted that the funeral involve nudging HIM off a cliff.
But in her quest to end the unhappiness she felt inside, my Wood Elf moved on.
And know what else perks up the female of the species when they're feeling low? A WEDDING!
Oh golly!!!
It wasn't too long after that my Wood Elf decided that a man about the house would put everything in perspective. She already had a beau in mind - a reasonably attractive Nord who had flattered her on many occasions (thank Mara!), and who seemed responsible and strong. Wilhelm, having his own inn in Iverstead, seemed a quiet, yet encouraging figure who could inspire a weary Wood Elf to stop staring into the maws of great beasts and yearning for the release of oblivion. (Not that Oblivion.)
Not exactly a fancy lady, my Wood Elf nevertheless became excited as the 'special day' grew near, and actually went out of her way to purchase some fine garments and hair accessories for the occasion. She annoyed all her friends with unceasing wedding-related chatter:
"No, I haven't met his parents. They're labouring in the corundum ore mines in The Rift, and can't get away. They literally can't get away. They're chained there."
"I've got a dress, but it's yellow - do you think I'll look sallow? I already look sallow? YOU BITCH that's my normal skin colour!"
"NO I WILL NOT slay that vampire and save the village children on Turdas. I've got a prior engagement that day."
Finally the big day arrived, and my Wood Elf made her way at the appointed hour to the appointed temple, to join the love of her life in a sacred and solemn vow of matrimony - whereupon all her hopes and dreams of a bright and shining future were forever dashed.
First tragedy: The over-eager Priest of Mara started the ceremony before she was even at the altar, so her 'walking down the aisle' fantasy was thrown out the window immediately. Next, apparently Wilhelm didn't love her enough to bother even changing out of his filthy tavern attire to get married! And check out the look on his face!
And as soon as the words "I do" were out of my Wood Elf's mouth, Wilhelm burst out of the temple and fled to Deities-know-where without a single word.
The TWO guests trickled out, embarrassed and awkward, without saying anything to the new bride.
What the hell had just happened?
In the hopes that perhaps Wilhelm had been SO excited to get to 'their' home in Whiterun and whip up some homecooked meals, my Wood Elf journeyed there only to find NO Wilhelm and NO homecooked meals, but also faithful Lydia had taken off as well.
And it was right about then she realized her horse was missing, too. >.<
.......
Men! Ladies, amirite?
This Wood Elf now knows she can rely on only ONE person to survive: THE DOVAHKIIN.
The carefree days of whimsical bardic singing, idle wildflower picking and cozy home decorating are slipping away, and my Wood Elf's golden eyes have become a jaundiced, jaded yellow. The yellow of concern. The yellow of disappointment.
The yellow of depression.
I think it started in Riften. These things always start in Riften.
My Wood Elf had seen a darkness that she'd never experienced in her green and native land of Valenwood.
The stain of Riften is a hard one to wash away and so, to forget, she threw herself into a myriad of quests, hoping that with each fetch she would be sent farther afield, into dangerous territory. At some point, she realized that she was so dismayed by the world and all its suffering, that she was secretly and desperately hoping for that one quest that would end it all. A quest so suicidally dangerous that she wouldn't have to think about murders in Riften, or public executions in Solitude, or dead children in Morthal.
My Wood Elf, sick at heart, did the one thing that, single, unhappy women always do in these situations; She got a puppy.
She got a dog and disgusted all her friends with nauseating baby talk and endless pics of the creature on Facebook.
 |
| AWWWWWWWW!!!!! Look at that widdle guyyyy! Look at him!! Is you a good boy? YES you IS a good boy! Look at you! Look at you! Are you my schnookums? Are you? YES YOU ARE! |
 |
| I will call you Charlie! Yes! And you will stay with me forever! You're such a good boy, Charlie! |
 |
| Charlie! WALKIES! Come on! Let's go on a flower picking ADVENTURE! YAY FOR CHARLIE! MUMMY LOVES CHARLIE!!!!! |
Happiness, when found, is fleeting in Skyrim.
 |
| Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! |
To be honest, Charlie had been pushing his luck the entire time he'd been around (which amounted to approximately 25 minutes). If Charlie hadn't been killed by that bandit, I was going to have to resort to putting him in more drastic and life-threatening situations.
Sorry Wood Elf, the mutt had to go.
The mechanics and AI of the dogs aren't the best, to my mind.
Rather than finding them good companionship, I was constantly bothered by the noisy creature barking, chuffing and whining everywhere we went. When I was viewing rich vistas atop deliriously high cliffs, not only would Charlie not STFU, but in his attempts to be 'near' me, he kept bumping me and my horse nearly off the mountain!!!
Most frustrating (and scary).
My Wood Elf, however, was traumatized by Charlie's bloody demise, and took some time to get over the loss. "RIP Charlie my little puddin' pop."
I insisted that the funeral involve nudging HIM off a cliff.
But in her quest to end the unhappiness she felt inside, my Wood Elf moved on.
And know what else perks up the female of the species when they're feeling low? A WEDDING!
Oh golly!!!
It wasn't too long after that my Wood Elf decided that a man about the house would put everything in perspective. She already had a beau in mind - a reasonably attractive Nord who had flattered her on many occasions (thank Mara!), and who seemed responsible and strong. Wilhelm, having his own inn in Iverstead, seemed a quiet, yet encouraging figure who could inspire a weary Wood Elf to stop staring into the maws of great beasts and yearning for the release of oblivion. (Not that Oblivion.)
Not exactly a fancy lady, my Wood Elf nevertheless became excited as the 'special day' grew near, and actually went out of her way to purchase some fine garments and hair accessories for the occasion. She annoyed all her friends with unceasing wedding-related chatter:
"No, I haven't met his parents. They're labouring in the corundum ore mines in The Rift, and can't get away. They literally can't get away. They're chained there."
"I've got a dress, but it's yellow - do you think I'll look sallow? I already look sallow? YOU BITCH that's my normal skin colour!"
"NO I WILL NOT slay that vampire and save the village children on Turdas. I've got a prior engagement that day."
Finally the big day arrived, and my Wood Elf made her way at the appointed hour to the appointed temple, to join the love of her life in a sacred and solemn vow of matrimony - whereupon all her hopes and dreams of a bright and shining future were forever dashed.
First tragedy: The over-eager Priest of Mara started the ceremony before she was even at the altar, so her 'walking down the aisle' fantasy was thrown out the window immediately. Next, apparently Wilhelm didn't love her enough to bother even changing out of his filthy tavern attire to get married! And check out the look on his face!
 | ||||
|
 |
| ... |
The TWO guests trickled out, embarrassed and awkward, without saying anything to the new bride.
What the hell had just happened?
In the hopes that perhaps Wilhelm had been SO excited to get to 'their' home in Whiterun and whip up some homecooked meals, my Wood Elf journeyed there only to find NO Wilhelm and NO homecooked meals, but also faithful Lydia had taken off as well.
And it was right about then she realized her horse was missing, too. >.<
.......
Men! Ladies, amirite?
This Wood Elf now knows she can rely on only ONE person to survive: THE DOVAHKIIN.
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
My Take: Dracula Series, Path of the Dragon
Perhaps I'm not doing something right. Perhaps my computer is screwing with me. Perhaps I should do a reinstall. Perhaps the evil nature of vampires has corrupted my computer and my very SOUL!
Whatever the problem, I can't seem to get The Dracula Series to work properly for me.
And that's a shame, because I enjoy suffering through really crap games.
It's not that I didn't take pleasure in these games. I did! I was truly entertained with scoffing at the nonexistent plot, wailing through the excruciating monotony, and laughing hysterically at the voice acting. They games are just so glitched out that I cannot complete them.
The Kheops / Microids trilogy is horror adventure game Dracula 3: Path of the Dragon. Part 3 is divided into three episodes, (totally unnecessarily in my view):
Dracula Series 3 Path of the Dragon Part I: The Strange Case of Martha
Dracula Series 3 Path of the Dragon Part II: The Myth of the Vampire
Dracula Series 3 Path of the Dragon Part III: The Destruction of the Evil
You know what, it doesn't really matter what they're called, because they all involved the same characters repeating the same dialogue and doing the same puzzles in the same shitty little town!
You play Father Arno Morianai, Devil's Advocate sent from the Vatican to investigate and debunk the myth of vampires. Well, you call him Arno Morianai, I call him hottie Keanu Reeves.
Actually, to be fair Arno's voice actor expresses more emotion and range in his work than Reeves ever could, but whatever.
Upon arriving in the small village of Vladoviste, Arno learns there's something not quite right going on.
Eventually.
I really wanted more from this game, but it takes a LONG while to warm up. Fully 3/4 of the games are spent endlessly walking through screens.
The peasants from the Transylvanian countryside immediately ruin your immersion by all speaking like loud Americans (for the love of god, can't you just fake a really bad clichéd Transylvanian accent? We won't know the difference, trust us.)
The plot is slow, and the incredible stretches of boredom are punctuated by long sessions of dialogue. Sometimes a wild cut-scene will appear in an attempt to liven things up and give you hope of a better future, but they only titillate players with Arno sitting on a train, Arno walking, or Arno washing his hands. Seriously. :/
If you're hoping to catch a glimpse of a vampire in Part I, forget about it.
I got half way through Part II and still never had a brush with anything nearing danger.
Admittedly, one time I was gawked at menacingly by a dark stranger, and a dog DID bark at me, but that's it.
The 'score' is just one typically cryptic song looped over and over. I think the point is to drive you insane so you won't be able to vocalize to future potential victims that the game stagnates somewhere near the opening credits.
I don't know if I got crap copies, or what, but I found both first and second parts to be ultimately un-finishable (I'm sticking with that word). In Part 1 I could only progress the game so far before a necessary item was missing and I couldn't proceed. In Part 2 some puzzles either wouldn't allow me to solve them, or if I clicked on them they'd do themselves for me. Hm. Self-completing puzzles aren't really what I'm looking for in a video game.
I can only imagine Part 3 shares the same integrity. Yet even without glitches, the game is a bit of a bore. If anyone has played Part 3 successfully, lemme know how it ends. >.<
I think it's fair to say that the games are 'good enough' if you can get them to work.
If I have something complimentary to say about The Path of the Dragon, it's that it gets 9/10 for moodiness and scene-setting.
The graphics, though not groundbreaking, are quite beautiful. The artwork is dramatic and chilling and atmospheric. I didn't mind looking around because it was all so darkly pretty. I did learn quite a bit about the Dracula mythos in particular, and about Bram Stoker in general.
The NPCs, on the other hand, were quite derpy. Voices aside, they often were glitchy in hilarious ways; They would twitch and blink incessantly, and spawn/despawn randomly.
I really wanted to play the hell out of this game. The idea is compelling, and with the gorgeous backdrop, who wouldn't want to pilot Father Keanu Reeves into Transylvania to experience forbidden romance with beautiful women (in a totally pious way, naturally) and to kick the shit out the nasty, evil, bloodsucking vampires?
Alas.
Man... this trailer makes it look really good.
Well, it's not.
Whatever the problem, I can't seem to get The Dracula Series to work properly for me.
And that's a shame, because I enjoy suffering through really crap games.
It's not that I didn't take pleasure in these games. I did! I was truly entertained with scoffing at the nonexistent plot, wailing through the excruciating monotony, and laughing hysterically at the voice acting. They games are just so glitched out that I cannot complete them.
 |
| HobbR Htpa? (Source) |
The Kheops / Microids trilogy is horror adventure game Dracula 3: Path of the Dragon. Part 3 is divided into three episodes, (totally unnecessarily in my view):
Dracula Series 3 Path of the Dragon Part I: The Strange Case of Martha
Dracula Series 3 Path of the Dragon Part II: The Myth of the Vampire
Dracula Series 3 Path of the Dragon Part III: The Destruction of the Evil
You know what, it doesn't really matter what they're called, because they all involved the same characters repeating the same dialogue and doing the same puzzles in the same shitty little town!
You play Father Arno Morianai, Devil's Advocate sent from the Vatican to investigate and debunk the myth of vampires. Well, you call him Arno Morianai, I call him hottie Keanu Reeves.
 |
| You hear that Mr. Anderson?... That is the sound of inevitability... |
Actually, to be fair Arno's voice actor expresses more emotion and range in his work than Reeves ever could, but whatever.
Upon arriving in the small village of Vladoviste, Arno learns there's something not quite right going on.
Eventually.
I really wanted more from this game, but it takes a LONG while to warm up. Fully 3/4 of the games are spent endlessly walking through screens.
The peasants from the Transylvanian countryside immediately ruin your immersion by all speaking like loud Americans (for the love of god, can't you just fake a really bad clichéd Transylvanian accent? We won't know the difference, trust us.)
The plot is slow, and the incredible stretches of boredom are punctuated by long sessions of dialogue. Sometimes a wild cut-scene will appear in an attempt to liven things up and give you hope of a better future, but they only titillate players with Arno sitting on a train, Arno walking, or Arno washing his hands. Seriously. :/
If you're hoping to catch a glimpse of a vampire in Part I, forget about it.
I got half way through Part II and still never had a brush with anything nearing danger.
Admittedly, one time I was gawked at menacingly by a dark stranger, and a dog DID bark at me, but that's it.
The 'score' is just one typically cryptic song looped over and over. I think the point is to drive you insane so you won't be able to vocalize to future potential victims that the game stagnates somewhere near the opening credits.
I don't know if I got crap copies, or what, but I found both first and second parts to be ultimately un-finishable (I'm sticking with that word). In Part 1 I could only progress the game so far before a necessary item was missing and I couldn't proceed. In Part 2 some puzzles either wouldn't allow me to solve them, or if I clicked on them they'd do themselves for me. Hm. Self-completing puzzles aren't really what I'm looking for in a video game.
I can only imagine Part 3 shares the same integrity. Yet even without glitches, the game is a bit of a bore. If anyone has played Part 3 successfully, lemme know how it ends. >.<
I think it's fair to say that the games are 'good enough' if you can get them to work.
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If I have something complimentary to say about The Path of the Dragon, it's that it gets 9/10 for moodiness and scene-setting.
The graphics, though not groundbreaking, are quite beautiful. The artwork is dramatic and chilling and atmospheric. I didn't mind looking around because it was all so darkly pretty. I did learn quite a bit about the Dracula mythos in particular, and about Bram Stoker in general.
The NPCs, on the other hand, were quite derpy. Voices aside, they often were glitchy in hilarious ways; They would twitch and blink incessantly, and spawn/despawn randomly.
I really wanted to play the hell out of this game. The idea is compelling, and with the gorgeous backdrop, who wouldn't want to pilot Father Keanu Reeves into Transylvania to experience forbidden romance with beautiful women (in a totally pious way, naturally) and to kick the shit out the nasty, evil, bloodsucking vampires?
Alas.
Man... this trailer makes it look really good.
Well, it's not.
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